being a man

Dear Pastor,

It is always a pleasure to read your work in the newspaper. You give great and entertaining advice. I think it is great that you find time to help people with their troubles. Actually, I play the same role in a lot of my friends' lives.

I am a Jamaican who has been living overseas for the past three years. I am very far away. I have had the same girlfriend for the past two and a half years. She is very beautiful and a lovely person. I cheated on her in the early stages of our relationship. The reason I cheated was because I wasn't sure if she was seriously into me or if she was dating me for the mere fact that I was from Jamaica - well, that was what I told myself. She was the one who actually asked me to be her boyfriend after meeting only once. And that was why I was not very sure of her. I gave the relationship a try, but as I said, I had my doubts.

very hurt

When I cheated and she found out she was very hurt, but she stayed with me and was faithful. She helped me a lot. But then things started to get bad. She started getting jealous and aggressive. She didn't want me to have female friends and she didn't want me to go to parties or social events where I might meet girls. The whole time she was acting crazy, I didn't cheat and I showed her the most respect. I tried leaving her last year, but I didn't because she was having suicidal thoughts that made me stay. I have told her many times I see no future between us and I wanted to do what she should have done a long time ago, end the relationship.

In December I decided enough was enough. I wanted to start the New Year free, single and on my own. But on Christmas Day she told me she was pregnant. Yes, I know if I didn't want to be with her, I shouldn't have had unprotected sex, but sometimes these things happen.

Before finding out my 'Christmas present', I met a wonderful girl. We were attracted to each other from the first day we met, but I kept my distance and only saw this new girl in a group setting because I knew I was in a complicated relationship. Eventually, one thing led to another. Call it cheating, but the way I see it, the love I had for my babymother was gone. The relationship was already over. But she feels we are still together and will be together because she is having my child.

The problem is, in this country when a woman becomes pregnant, she usually gets married to the father of her child or have an abortion. The other thing is because the child is mixed, it will be hard for her to raise the child on her own (even though I will be there for them financially and visit often). I really don't think I can live with my babymother and I really don't want to get married although some may say it is the best thing to do.

The girl I am currently seeing knows all about my situation. I thought when I told her she would cut me off, but she didn't. She cares about me a lot and shows me the love and affection I have been missing. We have the same friends and hang out in the same circle, but we have our secret life.

Pastor, I really don't know what to do. I am praying and have left it in the hands of the Lord. The day will come when I will have to make a serious decision and I pray to God to help me to make the best decision for all involved.

D. J.,

Dear D. J.,

I am sure you realised that although this woman remained with you in the relationship after you cheated, she never trusted you again. And that is why she didn't like you having girlfriends. She felt there was always a possibility you may become sexually involved with one of them. And the new relationship you are in is proof she was correct.

If this woman had cheated on you, you wouldn't be comfortable seeing her with other men. It would always be in your mind that she might repeat what she did. So why should she just forget what you did?

I hope you would not get angry with me for telling you the truth. You have played with this woman's emotions. You didn't take the relationship seriously and when you saw the red light flashing, you should have stopped.

I believe you should end the relationship with the new girlfriend and take the woman who is now pregnant for counselling. She loves you. Her reaction to you is a result of your behaviour. Both of you can have a great future together if you would do what is right. Be a real man. Don't run after the wicket has been broken.

Pastor